March 2004 - The Unexpected...

March 1, 2004 found me planning a trip during Spring Break (with my best friend Aya) to look at Graduate Schools.

"I'm still on a high from finally knowing I've been placed in New Zealand. I can't wait to contact the people at the school and find out which grade and where I will be living, etc. So much left to do and so much left to find out... YEY! The excitement never ends.

Bozeman, MT"

I was having trouble getting to sleep in early March. I have a feeling it was related to my excitement about NZ and all the thoughts rolling through my head about the future. I was also eager for the road trip with Aya to look at grad schools.

March 12, 2004

"I had forgotten how much pain you could be in, without having any physical malady - the heart-wrenching pain which comes from the loss of a loved one.

When Aya and I reached Miles City, MT I called my parents to let them know we’d made it that far and found out my Grandaddy had been rushed to the hospital. The next morning my mom called to let me know he had passed away. I had to pull myself together and drive back 6 hours to Fargo, ND where I caught a plane for home. I was so afraid I wouldn’t make the flight and without Aya’s help I wouldn’t have. She helped me keep it together.

It hurts more than I can express. My only comfort comes in knowing he’s with my Grandmommy now and he is no longer in pain. Being with my family has helped, but I leave for MN Sunday morning. Hopefully returning to the routines of my school and work schedule will help to ease the pain."

March 17, 2004 - Aya's Birthday - celebrating and grieving...

"Grief-wise, I'm doing a lot better than I was, even since Sunday. It's helped to get back into my daily routine. Plus all my friends have been so supportive and sympathetic. I'm getting better at not being shocked when I realize I'll never get to see my grandfather again.

I decided I'm going to start a journal for him.... a scrapbook of sorts. I can add pictures and stories, things I remember, how he used to call me "Hun" and the monkey face he made that always made me laugh, his goofy sayings like: "It'll feel better when it quits hurtin, I've had worse things than that on my eye and I didn't even blink." When I would ask where we were going he'd reply "All to pieces..." When I would be looking for someone he'd say they were "Up on the housetop flying a kite." He was a character! Yep... I have so many memories of him, much more than I had of my grandma who died when I was 8. I'm really glad I had that extra 17 years with him. I want to remember everything I can about him."

I never started on that journal. It was just too painful. Maybe one day...

March 25, 2004

"I'm having a hard time today. Grief is a funny process and the nightmares really aren't helping. They're so real and the powerful emotions they evoke don't go away once I wake up. I still feel my heart beating fast, the pre-tearing, clenching feeling in my throat... Result: I start my day in a funky/depressed state. The one last night was pretty bad. I don't know how to stop them, but I need to figure something out before I go crazy or just start balling in a class. It's to the point where I don't function well during the day and I've broken down in tears twice today. UGH! It's so frustrating. Some days I'm fine, almost good as new. I think this is what frustrates me the most. I called my mom this morning and talked to her about it = first breakdown. She said I behaved similarly when my grandmother died. The funny thing is I remember breaking down as soon as my parents told me there had been an accident - before they told me she was hurt - my kiddy senses tingled and I knew it wouldn't end well. I remember crying and crying until I thought I'd never be able to stop. Then at the funeral I was all cried out. I honestly don't remember anything after that... for quite a while. I don't remember how I dealt with it afterwards.. which seems odd to me since I was 8 years old. Maybe I blocked it all out, I have a tendency to block unpleasant memories... don't we all?

This time I cried when mom told me and then I had to pull it together to make it back home. I cried a few tears off and on and then during the funeral I lost it. I had to run outside because I couldn't breath and I just let it all flow. I've cried off and on since then with intermitent days of okness = FRUSTRATION.

I don't know if I'm behaving acceptably according to the grieving process, but it's how I am dealing with it. Maybe if I'm still this way in a couple of months I should go see someone. At this point I think there's a healthy dose of home-sickness contributing to my state."

"Semi-gross analogy incoming...

I've been lying in bed thinking about grief. It's an odd thing, extremely painful and yet you can't touch it or even point it out. There's no miracle pill to get rid of the pain, no limb to chop off, there's nothing inside of you they can cut out. It's buried deep inside of you, somewhere around the heart-lungs-throat region. In my experience (17 years) it never goes away fully - it's like a chronic scab - it heals over partially, but if it gets bumped hard enough it flows again. An intangible wound. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's the best I can do at 1:20 am."

Why did I include all of this in my NZ Scrapbook? Because it's life. It's all interconnected. This experience altered me, my perception, my choice of grad schools... It was life changing and significant. I went from this extreme low to an extreme high during my time in NZ.

Move on to AprIl 2004

Back to FebrUary 2004